Get Into the Right Room

The people you surround yourself with are the key to unlocking the version of you you’ve buried

The first 30+ seconds of the video above are of me, the second half is my friend and Front Row Dads founder, Jon Vroman. The video is from the first of a five-week Learning Journey I am facilitating in the Front Row Dads community.

When I am facilitating an event, I usually come off as calm and reserved, not because that's my style, but because I've been afraid to let the real me show up for so long. This video is a glimpse of an uninhibited, unleashed me.

Nine years ago, I was in the beginning stages of a dark time in my professional life that would spill over into my personal life. This resulted in nearly five years living in constant fight-or-flight mode. My work suffered, my relationships suffered, and my personal life suffered.

Worst of all? I forgot who I was and what brought me joy.

Over the past few years, I've worked hard to uncover the person I allowed to get buried under a mountain of self-doubt, pain, failures, and shame.

What is returning is the person who loved the opportunity to motivate and bring the best out in others...but with a twist. That twentysomething who thought he had the answers to unlocking peak results? Gone. He's been replaced by an introspective man more interested in learning, hardened by the experience of almost losing EVERYTHING, and still softened by the experience of marriage and fatherhood. A man better equipped to guide others toward similar results.

It doesn't matter how old you are. It doesn't matter what your circumstances are. You still have the power to release the real you that you have locked away.

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Part of my journey has been investing time in personal growth and surrounding myself with people on a similar path. I recently was blessed with four days surrounded by some of these people.

I traveled to Arkansas two weeks ago to spend time with my Front Row Dads band. No instruments are involved; the 'band' is what we call small groups formed within the community. Every six weeks, we meet on a Zoom call to provide updates on our lives and to give and receive support where needed. Each call is facilitated by a different member of the band who adds their own flavor, finding ways to challenge the other guys to go deeper.

Throughout our four-day band retreat, we went on some epic hikes, played games, had amazing conversations, and enjoyed the opportunity to be in-person rather than on Zoom. All but one meal was shared around the table at the house we rented and prepared by Ryan Levesque (who could easily add a cookbook to the list of bestsellers he has written.)

We know each other so well that our conversations go deep fast and still feel completely comfortable. We talked a lot about parenting, but we also went deep on the future, discussing everything from the impact A.I. will have over the next ten years to the rapidly changing world economy and how we might position ourselves to withstand the tumult on the horizon.

I'm sure many of you have heard the quote, "If you are the smartest person in the room, you're in the wrong room." The Front Row Dads mantra is, "Family men with businesses, not businessmen with families," but the first quote also applies at all times.

I thought of both of these lines often during our band retreat.

What makes our band so strong is that none of us are chasing the title of "smartest" or "best". When we get together, it isn't a competition to prove how good we are. No one is flashing their accolades or bank account at the door. And certainly no one is overly braggadocious about the accomplishments of their kids.

We show up for each other.

We show up to be open and honest.

We show up to laugh and have fun.

We show up to grow.

Most of all, we show up for our families, so that we can bring the best versions of ourselves home. It might seem counterintuitive to drop everything and spend time in the mountains with friends. But every time I go away for a similar event, I return rejuvenated and better equipped to handle challenges than before I left. Working on yourself is the least selfish thing you can do.

Remember: you must put your mask on before you can help others with theirs.

We've worked to create a space where real vulnerability is welcomed and strengths are shared for everyone's benefit because iron sharpens iron.

That's what makes this room the right one for me.

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On the flight home from the retreat, I was seated next to a man from Virginia. As the plane rose into the clouds, we encountered significant turbulence. I don't fear flying, but turbulence always makes me nervous.

The man next to me could sense my anxiety, looked at me and just said, "Hey, we're just taking the stairs."

Typically, on planes, I'm not usually the talking type. On this particular flight, I wanted to put my head down and fill my journal with my takeaways from the retreat.

But this man needed to talk. Something was weighing on him, and he needed to let it out. I was the person chosen to listen.

I didn't have answers, and that's not what he needed anyway. He just needed someone to hear him, allow him the space to get his thoughts out, and to listen intently.

The conversation lasted the entire flight. As we landed, he apologized and said, "I'm sorry for emptying your bucket." I assured him that my bucket was still full.

When your bucket is full, the best thing you can do is share the water. The more you pour into others, the more you will realize that your bucket never empties.

Who's in Your Room?

Who do you interact with most frequently (outside of your immediate family)? How do you show up in that room? How do others show up? When you are in that room, does it support or stifle your growth?