The Hero Complex

A Red Cape Isn't Part of Your Work Uniform

Even though our kids now go to different schools in different states, they still wound up having spring break at the same time last week. My wife and I both took time off for a family trip to Florida.

Brighthouse Network Field, spring training home of the Philadelphia Phillies

It was great to get into the warmth, the sun, watch a couple of Phillies Spring Training games, and get in some beach time.

For the entire week I was gone, this was my email away message:

Thank you for your email.

I’ll be out of the office with no intentions of checking my email this week. I’ll get back to returning emails on Monday, March 23rd.

If you need my immediate attention, please contact me via phone or text.

Everyone I work with knew I was away. No emergencies came up. I received no work calls or texts all week.

I didn’t check my email once while I was away.

This wasn’t always the case because, for years, I was the lynchpin in my business. Nothing could happen unless it went through me.

I’d go away with my family for a few days and something would happen (employee availability, customer issues, communication issues, etc.) requiring me to intervene remotely.

Or, I wouldn’t set up proper boundaries and allow work to follow me.

I once ran a monthly board meeting, during my time as General Chair of Middle Atlantic Swimming, while on a family Disney World vacation! We left the park early, ate dinner, and then I ran the meeting from our hotel room while my wife took our young kids to the pool by herself.

What did I gain for making that sacrifice? Nothing at all.

But I lost the opportunity to make memories with my family and put the burden of attending to two young children on vacation on my wife.

(I have also run meetings from a Phillies game and during intermission of a Black Keys concert. So, so dumb.)

I thought that I was doing the right thing by allowing myself to be on the clock 24 hours a day, regardless of the circumstances. This allowed my customers to think that I was on call 24 hours a day.

When I wouldn’t answer, some of them would get upset, which got me upset.

The mistake was on my end for allowing that atmosphere to occur in the first place. Once that expectation is created it gets harder to correct.

I thought I was being a great leader and setting the right example for the kind of organization I wanted to run. Over time, I was able to realize that I wasn’t doing anyone any favors by being “always on”.

It took time and effort, but I was able to slowly lose the expectation that I would handle every situation immediately, regardless of what else was going on. I stepped back and let the staff handle situations unless it became necessary for me to get involved, and those instances turned out to be pretty rare.

I thought that being everywhere all the time, taking care of every situation, and being available whenever someone needed me, no matter where I was or what I was doing, was how a great business owner was supposed to operate.

But that is actually a hero complex.

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Every business owner, key employee, or leader in general has likely been there.

The unnecessary long hours.

Checking email late at night and early in the morning.

Missing family events because something came up.

Running a board meeting from a Walt Disney World hotel room while your wife takes the kids over to the pool alone.

(Can’t just be me, right?)

You think you have to do it because everyone is depending on you.

Without you, things would just fall apart.

This is your business, your livelihood. You have to do everything to protect it.

You may be missing out on family events, but you are “doing this for the family,” the big lie many business owners have told loved ones to justify this mode of operation.

It does not have to work this way at all.

Adjusting how you operate doesn’t happen overnight, and it isn’t magic.

I took last week off, even left my computer at home. There were no calls, no texts, no late night emails, no fires to put out, and nothing fell apart while I was away.

The first step is believing that nothing will actually fall apart when you allow yourself to take a step back. Then you need to build the right systems into your business which make your omnipresence unnecessary.

Turns out, “doing it for the family” works a lot better when you show up for them first.