A few years back, I read Dan Sullivan and Dr. Ben Hardy’s book “The Gap and the Gain”, and there’s one idea from it that’s stuck with me ever since: real growth happens when we measure from where we’ve been, not just where we want to go.
Most of us live in constant pursuit of something in the hope that it will finally feel like “enough.” Many never meet that lofty standard they set and feel unfulfilled. That’s the “gap”. But when we stop and look back to see how much progress has been made, we realize we’re already in the “gain”.
Writing a letter to your younger self can be a surprisingly powerful way to shift into the gain mindset. It can take away the tunnel vision and help you see the quiet wins, the stretch moments, and the strength you didn’t know you had in the tougher times.
This idea—and Brad Paisley’s song “Letter to Me”—nudged me to do just that. I sat down and wrote a note to the 23-year-old me. It was 2001 and I had recently been accepted to the graduate program at Temple University for Sports and Recreation Administration. Still, I was unsure of my place in the world and the direction I wanted to take.
Dear Matt,
Congratulations on your acceptance to Temple! I know you dreamt of getting out of South Jersey and going to school in Philadelphia was not something that remotely interested you. But this is the right place for you, and you are about to get a very valuable education.
You will hear people tell you that “you have to prove yourself” often over the next few years. In a lot of ways, this is true. It will take work and dedication before people realize what you bring to the world. Remember to go about your work for the right reasons, not because there might be some mythical pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.
Work hard and be dependable but don’t be afraid to say “no”. Your work ethic, dedication, and passion are not an excuse for anyone to take advantage of you. Don’t be afraid to set boundaries and be firm with them.
You will be challenged in many different ways. At times you are going to wonder if you can take it any longer and look for a way out. But you’ll find a way to keep going by focusing on what you need to do to get through each day, one day at a time. It will seem like there is no end in sight to the problems. But there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Focus on that light to maintain hope.
When you get through a tough time, don’t just assume it will be smooth sailing from there. Stay prepared for the rogue waves the universe sends your way. I’m not saying it will be a constant barrage of challenges, though there will be some heavy hitters. Don’t let your guard down and think things will be easy after you conquer a challenge. Each challenge you face will enrich and strengthen you…if you let it.
You are very fortunate to have some incredible friends. Some of them have been with you since elementary school while others you met the last two years at Rowan University. You’ll have fun with them in the future, but you’ll also feel disconnected. You see, people have lives of their own and those lives will be getting more complicated with jobs, marriage, and children. Just because you haven’t spoken to someone in a few weeks or months doesn’t mean you aren’t still close friends. Work to stay connected with these people who have meant so much to you.
You’re going to see your friends get married, a lot of them, and you will wonder if you will ever find “the one”. I’m not going to lie, the next few years can feel lonely. You’ll meet some people, and it won’t work out. There will be a lot of missed connections and solo trips to those aforementioned weddings.
However, a few years from now, you will meet “the one”. And you’ll know it because it will feel like you got hit in the chest by a bolt of lightning. The relationship won’t be perfect, and you are going to make mistakes. But the relationship will evolve beautifully and, 20 years after you first meet, you will love her more than you ever thought you did.
When you become a father, everything will change. Not just your routines or priorities, but how you see the world.
Your children will teach you how to be present. How to listen without fixing. How to play again. They’ll challenge your patience, stretch your heart, and show you the kind of leader you never knew you could be.
I will tell you this: marriage and parenthood are not easy. You see, you are building a life together when previously you were building one for yourself. When you agree to walk a path with someone else, it is no longer just about you. That can be a hard thing to realize, and it will take some time for you to get there.
Yet, you will get to a point where you will seek more for yourself and your family. There will come a time when you need to go deeper and have conversations that many people are afraid to have. You’ll need to do deep work on yourself to reveal who you really are and who you could truly become. You’ll need conversations where you can be completely vulnerable and know that whatever you say won't be judged or looked down upon.
When you initially find this community, you won’t even realize how badly you need it. But give it a chance, be intentional and open to doing the work, and the value will quickly reveal itself. This community will change your life.
One more thing—stop trying to prove you're good enough. You already are. Move forward in life with this knowledge.
You’ll spend too many years trying to prove your worth by how hard you work, how much you achieve, or how much you give to everyone else. Eventually, you’ll realize that you were never supposed to prove anything, certainly not to anyone else. You’ll realize that the only person you need to prove anything to is the one you see in the mirror.
Don’t wait too long to believe that.
Matt, there are so many great things about your life in 2025. You will be able to reflect on your life and have no regrets. You will make mistakes, a lot of them. But you will honestly be able to say that you do not have any regrets because those “mistakes”, and the changes you make as a result, contribute to the happy life we live now. It won’t be perfect and it certainly won’t be easy. But it will be a thrilling experience filled with wonderful people and incredible personal growth.
Enjoy the ride, my friend.
Writing this letter stirred up more emotion than I expected—but it also brought a lot of clarity. It’s so easy to focus on what still feels undone, and forget to see just how far we’ve already come.
If you’ve never tried writing to your younger self, I really encourage it. Not as a journal prompt, but as a moment to look back and honor your own journey—the growth, the shifts, the people who shaped you. Every piece matters.
And if you do take the time to write it, I hope it brings you what it brought me: not regret, but gratitude. Not perfection, but perspective.
Image from rayhightower.com: https://rayhightower.com/blog/2022/09/29/achieve-more-measure-the-gain/
I recently cleared some old boxes and found a stack of letters to self that I assigned and collected from undergrad students when I was a Grad Assistant in HPERD at Baylor University. The students each wrote a letter to themselves about fitness, wellness, and such. I peeked at a couple and thought I’d research the individual and pass it back. But golly. Finding folks isn’t as easy as it sounds.
A press guide of a former D1 college men’s team I coached — I found zero.
It is a big world. And, we generally live big lives with long journeys.